new year. new beginnings? ehh

Alright, so I couldn't resist a "New Year's" posting..I tried, but I just couldn't.
First, let me rant... I really don't like people saying things like "its a new year, this means i can change everything and start new." Well, I guess you can...but why does it take the calendar year changing for you to decide to make those changes? Why put of making those changes any longer--quit making excuses or buying in to the whole "it's a new year, it's the perfect time for change thing"..really? because i thought the perfect time for change was when you were ready..didn't realize it took january 1st coming for everyone to all of a sudden be ready to make those changes. Don't get me wrong, if this is what truly motivates you then fine..but when it's July and I'm ready to make some changes in my life..I'm not going to wait til January 1st to make those changes. Also...I didn't realized we lived our lives year-by-year: "2011 was okay, here's to 2012 being better". Yes I understand it's easy to sort of categorize our lives by year...but I choose to live my life day by day and those days come together to make my life--one year doesn't make my life...they all, together have molded me (and continue to do so) into the person I am/am becoming. Alright, I'm done. I think.

I guess it can be easy to categorize certain life events into the years in which they happen. Here are some things that occurred within the 365 days of 2011:

• My toughest semester of college yet: Spring 2011
• I completed my first year of healthier living and was more active than I've ever been in my life!!
• I coordinated and led an all girls retreat for youth at my church and another local church
• I FINALLY became an OFFICIAL candidate for ordained ministry in the UMC
• I fell even in more love with my Savior and learn every day of the ways he loves me
• I ran the Race for the Cure for the first time
• I attended Exploration in St. Louis where my call was confirmed in so many ways
• I turned 22 and had the best DL picture taken of me, EVER
• I quit my job
• I sewed my first piece of clothing
• I smiled, I laughed, I cried, I loved. I lived.

Okay, so 2011 wasn't too exciting in big events--but it has been one of the better consecutive 365 days I've had in my lifetime.

Here are some things I'm looking forward to in 2012:

• Becoming a certified candidate
• Applying to SEMINARY and for scholarships!
• Finding a new job (hopefully soon!)
• The 2 year anniversary of my surgery/journey to healthier living
• Finishing my last semester of college and GRADUATING!!!!
• Beginning SEMINARY
• Practicing my 19th Amendment Right to vote
• Continuing an active lifestyle and becoming more active
• The opportunities to be loved, to love, and to show love

I am really excited about the next 366 days (LEAP YEAR!). I am excited to continue on this journey and see where God leads me. I read this quote on a friend's Facebook status and I will leave you with it:

Christian Maturity is the willingness to sometimes go where you would rather not be led! Just as Christ was led to the cross, so must we be willing to follow Him to into places that may be dark, scary, painful and challenging to our security. This is where we will find those who need His love and the hope of salvation the most.

P.S. Be careful and more importantly be RESPONSIBLE tonight

GP&L
Corey

unfinished. untitled

so, i just started writing this. i began singing it one my way home. the words just kinda came to me..been a long time since that's happened. anyways. its not finished. but here's the beginning/first draft

Surrounded by darkness

Still I see the light you’ve given

In a world which has forgotten

What it means to live by grace

Your Spirit, I can feel it

Though sometimes it’s hard to hear you

In a world full of distractions

Which take me from your direction

Lord, I’m reaching out to you

Please touch this willing heart

Guide me each and every day

Help me do your will

Lord, I’m reaching out to you

Can you fill me with your love?

Provide for me, protect me

With love

I fight for You, I search for You

The world does not accept me

The world in which

Your word gets overlooked

The world in which

Is lost and turns away from You.

coreyallison2011

Update since Exploration

I just wanted to take a moment and write a quick update reflecting on life since Exploration.

Exploration is definitely a "landmark" in my life. An event that helped reconfirm a call that was, at the time, already 8 1/2 years in development. An event where I realized I'm not alone in my doubts and fears. An event I came face to face with some of those fears and several failures. An event where I was reminded about God's amazing grace and almighty power.

Since Exploration, I have noticed a difference in my spirit--in nothing but a positive way: I see life a little differently now. I don't think it was really Exploration itself that did it as much as it was the fellowship and community it provided and allowed.

One of my favorite differences: I am more open and more aware to when the Spirit moves in me. I feel like I have relied more on God moving in my life than I previously did. And I am continually awed at the amazing ways God moves in my life and in the lives of others. I was before--but I have payed more attention to it than I used to.

I have since found myself feeling more encouraged each day. In my call, my walk with Christ, and life in general. But I also find myself, on occasion, feeling more discouraged. Not in my own personal life, but in the world around me. At the same time I feel encouraged in knowing that my generation has a heart for God and a heart for His people. This was made evident to me at Exploration--and we are only a small, small fraction of the young adult population.

I still have moments when I doubt everything, but I think that's normal.  They don't consume me, instead they just provide opportunities for God to move and to speak to me.

That's about all I really have to say. I'm excited about finishing up my last semester of undergrad. And both excited and nervous about beginning seminary--wherever that may be. I do ask for prayers, as I try and get through the candidacy process quickly (so that I qualify for scholarships), that I stay encouraged and confident, and that the application process goes smoothly to seminaries. I'm a firm believer that prayer is one of the best things we can offer someone, so I take your prayers seriously and they mean more than words could express to me.
Have a Blessed week.

Grace, Peace, & Love
Corey

EXPLORATION 2011!!!!

Thursday November 10, 2011
As I prepare to make the journey to St. Louis tomorrow morning, I must say there isn't a bone in my body that isn't excited about this weekend. I began the week preparing; tires rotated on the car, oil checked and clean, bills paid, assignments done, clothes washed, car cleaned on the inside!!! (finally), gps charged, clothes packed, and my heart and mind is SO READY. I don't think I've ever been more excited about anything.
I haven't been on a trip that was for me since I went on my Chrysalis Flight in 2005, and boy was that an experience I will never forget. I must say, that not having anything to do with the planning and executing of this event has been very relieving but also has me wondering what is going to happen when I arrive at the Millennium Hotel tomorrow afternoon.
I am anxious. Nervous because I am traveling by myself, arriving by myself, and I'm really not quite sure what to expect....(maybe I shouldn't have started writing this entry..I'm getting more nervous the more I type!)
I'm beyond excited. Excited about Community; spending the weekend with about 200 other young adults who share a common call and interest. Fellowship; meeting, talking, and listening to/with other young adults stories and journeys. Growth; spiritual, emotional, mental, individual. I am beyond excited to see what God has in store for me this weekend.
I want to save the majority of the blog to update during the event, so I will end this here, shortly. I hope you will all continue to be in prayer for me, the other participants, adult volunteers and the design team this weekend.
Grace, Peace, & Love
C.


Friday November 11, 2011
WOW GOD! Okay, so let me take you along my journey. I left Jacksonville a little after 7 am and arrived in St. Louis shortly after 1 pm. The drive wasn't that bad--I only stopped once for a stretch/potty/gas break. I stopped in Blytheville, AR and decided not to stop because the gas station and entire area was suspicious and I didn't feel safe getting out of my car alone, so I drove another 20 miles and stopped in some town about 15 minutes into Missouri. 
Here's a few things I know: I HATE 18 wheelers. Driving 6 hrs by yourself is boring, but KLOVE and diet coke make it SOOO much better. Okay, so enough about the drive cuz it's the boring and not exciting part.
SO. I get here, checked into the hotel, drop my bags off in my room and go down for registration where I pick up my name tag and bag of goodies. Then I have til dinner at 5 pm to do whatever. I decide to explore St. Louis. The gateway arch is literally a block and a half away from the hotel I'm staying at...so I walked around St. Louis for about 2 hours. Honestly, there's really not much to see in this area. And I didn't want to walk too far away from the hotel--it's cold.
A little before 5 I made my way down to the ground floor, where all the festivities are taking place this weekend, and visited with a few representatives and current students from some of the seminaries. I am even more confused than before on my seminary choice. This is the area I need prayer the most right now, I DON'T want this to be a rushed, last minute decision. But I want to take the time I need...
Dinner. The tables were set up by conference, so I was sitting with others from my conference. There were 5 other people, all males, other than myself. Funny thing--I went to governor's school with one of them! Small world. I had a really good conversation with two of the guys there about ministry in general, Facebook/media, and our conference among other things. We could have gone on for hours! It was a great conversation and it reconfirmed that I am not alone in all of this.
Let's get to the good part--WORSHIP. I'm not quite sure where to begin. The whole experience of worship tonight was amazing. Mark Miller and the rest of the band are phenomenal. During Blessed Be Your Name, a song that is so familiar to me, I raised my hands...my hand was clinched in almost a fist like I was holding on to something--fear, self doubt, and other insecurities. My body shook and I opened up my hand. It literally felt like I let go of all the things holding me back.
Reverend Adam Hamilton--What can I say? Inspirational. Phenomenal. Life Changing. There are so many statements Rev. Hamilton made, I can't even begin to describe them all, as I am still processing them. I do know that my call was confirmed in a countless amount of ways tonight through Rev. Hamilton's words. I've come to recognize when God is touching me or speaking to me--I've never heard God's voice but my body does some weird things and I have received confirmation of things through other people. It was hot in the ballroom where worship was being held. But at certain times my body would get cold and chills would consume my body. This is a familiar feeling to me when I feel the Holy Spirit coming over me. 
Small group was awesome. The first day is usually a little awkward; everyone is still trying to get to know everyone else and it's just....awkward, usually. 
So now, as I write this blog..the first thought that comes to my mind is how tired I am...I am exhausted (so I'm sorry if this doesn't make any sense because I honestly have no idea what I"m typing). Anyways, there's a group of about six young adults sitting on the couches surrounding mine, they seem pretty cool. They had a guy come over and play his guitar earlier (he's actually from Arkansas!). They're from Jacksonville, TX.  Cool, I guess you know, since I'm from Jacksonville, ARKANSAS! haha anyways. Across the way there's this guy playing guitar and harmonica..yeah, it's pretty legit.  And there are a lot of people walking around...I haven't met my roommate yet, so I'm hoping that goes well. And now a different guy is playing a ukelele. Interesting. Yay for some Jason Mraz. Anyways I'm tired and I'm going to go to bed.
Hope you've enjoyed this post. I'm sure tomorrow is going to be AMAZING. We have a busy busy schedule..and I have to come to the lobby to get internet access, so I'm not sure if I'll update tomorrow or not. We'll sees how I feel. Anyways. 
Chao for now,
C.


Sunday November 13, 2011
I'm just going to do an overview of the rest of the weekend. For me, the details, as I outlined on Friday, aren't important--it's what the weekend as a whole did for me. Sure there were little parts and people throughout the weekend that impacted me.
When I arrived in St. Louis on Friday, I wasn't sure what to expect--I went in without any expectations about who I was going to meet, the types of relationships I was going to build, and how God was going to move me this weekend. I have to be honest, I didn't have one of those profound God moments. But I didn't need it. 
God provided for me exactly what I needed this weekend. In the midst of my crazy, busy senior year of college where there's not enough time in a day and I never seem to get caught up on assignments or studying. In the midst of anxiety, fear, and uncertainty. In the midst of distraction and tiredness.  In the midst of it all with this weekend, God provided to me a sense of  calmness and peace. It was such a powerful weekend; We worshiped together. We ate together (as good Methodists, of course!) We shared together. We listened together. We prayed together; we were prayed over, prayed for and prayed for others & ourselves. We were a community of believers who have felt the call to lead the church. We were all in different palces-some had everything figured out and some had no idea what they were doing there. 
My call to ordained ministry was confirmed in so many ways this weekend--through prayer, through the speakers, through song...just about every way possible. I have never felt the calmness and peace I felt this weekend. It felt right. The more I talked about my call, the more excited I got about it. The more I shared with others the more I realized that there is nothing else in this world I want to do than to lead God's people.  I feel EMPOWERED, ENCOURAGED, and EXCITED. 
I feel empowered as a woman and as a young adult--folks, the United Methodist Church isn't going to die. I believe my generation isn't going to let it. Over 600 people gathered in St. Louis this weekend. I'm not sure how many actually committed to ordained ministry, but I can tell you that at least 98% of them committed to some type of servanthood and leadership within the church. ALL young adults between the ages of 18 and 26. It was so awesome to see so many young adults excited and passionate about the church.
I feel encouraged to do God's work. To listen more affectively. To live more affectively. And I am SO excited about the journey that lies ahead. 

[[here's a link to a story that was done in the local St. Louis newspaper on Exploration--cool, huh?!

CLICK HERE FOR THE ARTICLE!! :P]]

(this is it for now, i'm exhausted and have to be up early in the AM for work tomorrow, so I will update and add more at a later date! enjoy for now!)
GP&L,
Corey


November 14, 2011
I'm really not sure what else to say..I'm still processing this weekend.
God provided for me exactly what I needed--peace and calmness in the middle of chaos.
Countless prayers were said, and many were answered within the 48 hour period of being in St. Louis.
I can sense a change inside me--again, I'm still processing everything so I'm not exactly sure what this means. But I feel so much more okay...Okay with my call, with sharing it, and with admitting it. It feels right.
I have found much freedom in Christ; I've found a new type of freedom in beginning the journey toward answering my call to ministry. The more I admit it, accept it, and share it--the freer I feel.
God moved in so many unexpected ways this weekend--I didn't experience a "slap in the face" encounter with God, that's not what I needed.  I experienced God in a loving, intimate, compassionate, and almost sneaky way. Like a quiet whisper that you would miss if you making just enough noise.
I met people that I'm pretty sure I've gotten closer to since leaving than I was when we were in St. Louis.
Overall it was an amazing, amazing weekend that only strengthened my relationship with Christ and brothers and sisters. It is a weekend I will be able to share for a lifetime...it's now a part of my story, of my journey.
Thank you everyone who prayed for me and others for this weekend. Thank you everyone who has been praying and who will continue to pray--I truly feel like there are days when I am walking on clouds of prayer; that's how powerful they are!! I am truly so blessed to be in a community of people who willingly and without thought wrap their loving, encouraging, and supporting arms around me. God is good, yes? YES!
I end this by saying: "Here I am Lord, Send Me!"

yep. just saying...

There are a few things that I have come to know as truth in my life:

*I am called to ministry

**I am a beautiful, unique, and wonderful creation of my Lord

*God loves me UNCONDITIONALLY and more than I could ever begin to imagine.

**God has a perfect an amazing plan for me and it will be revealed in HIS perfect timing.

*that I am never alone

**that I am blessed beyond measure

and as silly as this sounds that one day prince charming will sweep me off my feet.

   i've come to realize that, while there is someone out there that deserves my love..i, too deserve to be loved. that I am a treasure in the eyes of God. that I deserve so much more than even I know.

patience.

Therefore, as God’s chosen people, holy and dearly loved, clothe yourselves with compassion, kindness, humility, gentleness and patience. Colossians 3:12

For those of you that know me well, you know that my patience level isn't very high. I admit, this is something I need to work on. And in so many ways and areas of my life: relationships, school, personal goals, love, and God's will.

*I can't stand not knowing what the future holds

*I HATE waiting to hear from someone, especially when I'm expecting to hear from them (I get antsy and anxious)

*I get annoyed, due to lack of patience, with people--especially when I expect more out of them for whatever reason

*I HATE waiting to know things, get results or information

Mostly, I HATE waiting on something I REALLY, REALLY want.

I've come to learn that first of all it isn't all about me. I've also come to realize that if I had a little bit more patience, both with myself and with others, I might not stay stressed 98% of the time.

One of the biggest things I've learned is that God's will, God's plan, and God's timing is PERFECT. It is me who is imperfect, impatient, and I am the one who falls short when it lose sight of God's purpose in my life; when I try to take control instead of letting my God, who loves me, take reign of my life.

This is something I struggle with DAILY. I want and desire to walk in the light of Christ, living by His word, doing His will, allowing Him to guide me on a daily basis. It is such a difficult thing to do, because of my selfish tendencies and because of the influences in the world I live in. 

Funny, as I sit here writing this I received a text from the General Board of Discipleship that read:

What are "the desires of your heart"? What are God's desires for you? How do they intersect?

I couldn't help but chuckle a little bit. Sometimes I have a hard time distinguishing what my will is versus what God's perfect will is. Especially when it's something I want really, really badly. Because I desire it so much that I begin to try and fit God's will into MY plan/want--whether or not his will really includes it. But seriously, how do we know it's truly in God's will? For me, I am constantly reminded of it, whatever it is. It is usually something that weighs on my heart in a positive way. And I usually get this feeling that it's just right--nothing else makes since or seems to fit.  While there are other ways I know when I am in God's will, those are just a few. The problem isn't necessarily knowing what is right or wrong, it's putting away my selfish desires long enough to listen to God's voice and follow Him daily (sometimes we don't always figure out the plan all at once, sometimes it comes bit by bit).

Do not conform any longer to the pattern of this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind. Then you will be able to test and approve what God's will is--his good, pleasing and perfect will. (Romans 12:2)

Exploration 2011: Passion & Possibility

(FOR INFO ON EXPLORATION 2011, CLICK ME!!!)

Today has been designated as a day of prayer and blogging in preparation for Exploration 2011 .  Exploration is an event for young adults who feel a call to ordained ministry in the United Methodist Church. It will be held in St. Louis, MO on November 11-13. I have been challenged to write this blog and to share with all of you more about myself and about Exploration.

Many of you know, and I'm sure some of you have no clue, that God has called me to ordained ministry. For me, this call came clearly when I was 13 years old. (Actually, I should probably clarify that--there's really been nothing too clear about it!!!) But the first time I distinctly remember feeling God's tug at my heart. Yes, that's how it started: I was 13 and at Jr. High Assembly at Hendrix College. We were all in the chapel for worship when an invitation was given for those who felt a call to ministry, specifically ordained ministry, to come forward for a group prayer. I remember all of a sudden getting chills that ran up and down my back, arms and legs. But they weren't the kind of chills you get when the temperature changes, these were different; they were chills inside my body. And then I felt a hard but gentle tug at my heart. (It was actually a couple of tugs!) AND IT DIDN’T STOP. It hasn’t stop, and I don’t think it will ever stop. The tug at my heart is my guiding force, and I know I will always be able to trust in it.

The process of discerning my call hasn’t been an easy one. In fact, it’s been one of the hardest processes I’ve been through. But it has also been the most rewarding and most exciting. And I couldn’t be more excited to learn more about where God will be leading me in my life; I couldn’t be more excited than to wake up every day, walking (or at least doing my best) with Christ, following Him and his guidance—following the tug that occurs at my heart when I know something is right. I’ve never found anything that brings me greater joy than ministry does. I’ve never found anything to be more passionate about that worshipping my God, teaching others about him and his Word or pretty much anything that involves Christ and ministry.

I am SO excited about Exploration 2011.  The theme of the weekend is Passion & Possibility. I can't think of a better theme for the weekend! I think this is going to be a great opportunity for me to explore my calling, to share with others my calling, to listen to other young adults callings and to WORSHIP with other young adults! (I think that’s what I’m MOST excited about!!) I hope that I am challenged, changed and blown away by God (and others) at this event. I hope to come to a better understanding of my call, but more importantly I hope to be able to trust God more, and to realize that it’s okay not to have all the answers.

I want to challenge and ask that YOU (yes YOU!) to pray for myself and for the other young adults who will be attending this event. Pray for the design team and others involved in planning and organizing this event.

think positive!!

Life is such a beautiful thing.  Even in the midst of tragedy and sadness there is beauty to be found.

I've found that it is SO much easier to be positive than it is to be negative nancy all the time. All the energy I used to spend being negative has changed my life! That's THAT much more energy I have to put towards being active or doing things for others.
Turning things that someone else would normally find negative into a positive thing has been the most liberating and best thing I have done in a while! For example, I drive back and forth from Jacksonville to LR for school. That's about a 25-40 minute drive (depending on traffic and how many cops i spot on the way in!).  The first reaction that comes from most people when I say something about it is usually a negative comment--"oh, that sucks!" "oh, you poor thing", etc. I have yet to hear a positive comment about it. Well, I choose for that travel time to not be a negative thing or a drag! It would only make the drive home that much worse! Instead, I use it as time to reflect on the day ahead/behind me. I listen to KLOVE 99% of the time, so it serves as a personal worship time for me sometimes. Yes, I have been driving and have found myself wanting to close my eyes and lift my hands to the Lord! (this probably isn't the best thing..but I am safe about worshiping and driving simultaneously!!!). It is some of the only time in a day I spend alone, so it's winding down, chill time.  Anyways, that's just one example of how I have turned negative things into positive things. Trust me, I have so many more examples that are so much better than this..but this is one I don't mind sharing with the WWW!

I would consider myself to be an optimist in a world of a lot of pessimist. Yes, I have my pessimistic moments but I am definitely driven by positive things in my life.

There isn't a moment that goes but that I doubt God's goodness. Okay, so maybe that's a stretch. I do have moments when I wonder if He really knows what's best for me. But I quickly get slapped in the face and am reminded that Yes, indeed--GOD TRULY KNOWS WHAT IS BEST FOR ME!--.

[[The LORD is good to all; 

he has compassion on all he has made.

Psalm 145:9]]

summer 2011: work, prayer, friends, candidacy process; God is SO good!

So, this has been a pretty crazy summer in so many different ways.  Just about the time I think life is about to slow down, I get hit with more things to keep me busy!

I've been working full time+ this summer and was (finally) promoted to an assistant manager. I absolutely love my new boss--he's a really nice guy and a good person to work for.

I've been involved in church stuff. Unfortunately my plans for the summer internship I had applied for didn't work out--they were way last minute and I had already made plans..which were then cancelled (yep, no Arizona..) so I have some regrets about not accepting the mission intern position...but there's always next year.

When I'm not working and not at church running around, I am either hanging out with friends, working on the girls retreat that's coming up in September, trying to teach myself guitar, writing, studying for school (yes, i'm TRYING to start early), researching grad schools and internships and things of that such, painting/crafting, photographing something, or trying to catch up on rest. And when I'm not doing those things, I've been trying to find more time for being outside--hiking, camping, biking, etc (and planning my schedule for things of this sort in the future).

This summer has been a time of reflection and growth for me. I've made some decisions about my future and I couldn't be more excited about where God will lead me in my future.

Last week, I met with our district superintendent and, although I've been an inquiring candidate for years now--IT'S OFFICIALLY OFFICIAL. I'm an inquiring candidate for ordained ministry in the United Methodist Church. There's really nothing official about that, other than I've met with her and my name is now in the pool, and soon I will become a declared candidate and that's when the fun stuff begins (like being assigned a mentor and going before staff parish relations committee and before the church in a charge conference)....usually I'd be freaking out about things like this...however, I have NEVER been  more excited about anything in my life. NEVER. It's taken me 8 years to get to this point... I've tried ignoring and running from my call..but the more I ran and the more I ignored the more God called my name. And the more he continued to tug at my heart.

Last week, I helped in building a wheelchair ramp--it reminded me of some of the mission trips I had gone on in the past and what a heart I have for missions--definitely something I needed to be reminded of. If I could, I'd live my life as a whole "mission trip" (but I guess in a way that's what we, as Christians, are called to do, no?!)

I do ask for prayers as I begin this process and this part of my journey in life. I've been so blessed to be surrounded with friends who support me more than I could have ever imagined them supporting me in my response. Truly, God has been preparing me for this and has placed these certain people in my life because He knew I would need them. They have been honest with me in my doubts and insecurities, they call me out on things when I need it...but most of all they LOVE and SUPPORT me for who I am and for who God is calling me to be...I couldn't ask for anything more. (So thank you to ALL of you who have been huge supporters and true friends to me).

I also ask for prayers as I continue to discern my call and try and follow in the footsteps that Christ has laid out for me and in his guidance. Prayers are always appreciated and of course, I'd LOVE to talk to anyone about all of this. Also, don't ever hesitate to ask me to prayer for you (many of you, I pray for on a daily basis)...that door is NEVER shut. Prayer is an amazing thing, and you don't have to know someone to pray for them. (sometimes, I think that's one of the COOLEST things about prayer!!!!)

Anyways, here's some pictures from this summer: (they're actually not that impressive, but i thought i'd share some anyways)

painting #1 of the summer

painting #2 (this one was commissioned)

a reminder, very early on a hike that God LOVES me!! 

 

checkin out God's amazing work.

checking out another view of God's awesomeness

one of my best friends!

yes, that's a nail gun in my hand..and i know how to use it.

wheelchair ramp DONE!

yay for best friendssssssssss!!!

So anyways, all and all it's been an uneventful, exciting in a different kind of way summer. and the only reason i'm really looking forward to school starting back, is going back to 30hr work weeks, seeing friends more often, having more time for hiking/things i want to do AND it means it's just one more day closer to GRADUATION!!! which means one more day closer to SEMINARY!!!! (YES, i'm REALLY THAT EXCITED!!)

God is SO GOOD, ya'll!!!!!

God never ceases to amaze me.

Today has been a really emotional day for me...  actually, the past few weeks have been pretty emotional. Not in the "i can't stop crying and I don't know why" kind of emotional..but the "OH MY GOSH, GOD IS SO AMAZING" kind of emotional.

i am SO BLESSED. no, BEYOND blessed.

i have some of the BEST friends and people influencing my life. Some of these people are peers, some mentors and interestingly enough, some of them mere strangers. Hey, God works in mysterious and awesome ways!
My family. One of my favorite things about summer is the time I get to spend with my family--during the school year everything is so hectic and busy that we forget to sometimes speak to each other. Summertime usually provides more time to enjoy (or at least try to!) each others company.
My dad. So...my dad and I haven't always seen eye to eye on things. And I haven't always felt loved by my father. And I've always loved my dad. But in the past... year or so I've come to know my dad in a different way. And I love and respect him more now than I ever have. Forgiveness has been key. And realizing that he too is a child of God has been second.

God knows what you NEED and provides for us those needs. He knows the deepest desires of our hearts. And in HIS PERFECT TIMING reveals, provides and guides us.

His plan is perfect. And I'm so excited about my future...to be able to have the opportunity to be in ministry doing what I LOVE to do, doing something I am PASSIONATE about. So awesome that God is going to use my passions to serve Him (He did give them to me, after all!)

So. God is Good. Amazing. Awesome.
I am SO excited about my future and the endless opportunities that lie ahead--in ALL directions. I'm excited about the unknown and the uncertain. I'm excited about learning more about God's plan for me, a little at a time.

God NEVER ceases to AMAZE me.

sometimes, this
 is all it takes :)

[["Yet the LORD longs to be gracious to you; therefore he will rise up to show you compassion. For the LORD is a God of justice. Blessed are all who wait for him!"

Isaiah 30:18]]

<3 

jumbled mess. faith. love. prayer. and the future.

Things I need to work on:

• not stressing out so easily
• following God's guidance with more faith and less doubting
• allow my Faith to overcome my fears, not the other way around
• stop trying to control everything

The Lord is my rock, my fortress and my deliverer;
my God is my rock, in whom I take refuge,
my shield and the horn of my salvation,
my stronghold.
 In my distress I called to the LORD;
   I cried to my God for help.
From his temple he heard my voice;
   my cry came before him, into his ears.
[Psalm 18: 2, 6]

I truly believe that God has my best interest at heart and the He desires to bless me by giving me nothing but the best.

"Faith does not eliminate questions. But faith knows where to take them" 

"Faith means being sure of the things we hope for. And faith means knowing that something is real even if we do not see it....And without faith it is impossible to please Him.." (Hebrews 11:1, 6a)

My hope (and yours too) must be in the God who knows your past, present and future, and loves me (and you) enough to give us the best.

My heart is heavy as I write this blog and I must say I'm not sure where to begin. Between feeling pulled in many different directions and unsure of what God wants for my future. Knowing that someone I care about deeply is hiding things from the people who love them most--and there's nothing I can do about it. Except pray for this person...maybe that's enough. I feel led to do things, ministry related, but can't help but feel limited due to age, lack of knowledge, etc...but I have come to trust that when the timing is write God will reveal to me what I need to do next and how far I need to go with it. I struggle with trusting God 100% fully--and no, although I hate to admit it, I'm not afraid to admit that this is an area I struggle with DAILY. I've found my passions have only grown and gotten stronger over the past three years. And I've been struggling with feeling stuck until I finish school, and struggling with what direction to go with them.

My heart breaks knowing all of the temptations and peer pressures that teenagers (and even younger now) are facing. My heart breaks even more knowing which direction most of them seem to be choosing to go. And my heart breaks even more feeling like they truly don't know how much their God LOVES them.

I only hope that I can give a glimpse of the love that God has for us to others.

Sometimes I wonder how I could ever question God's intentions for me, especially when there are countless reasons to be reminded of how much He loves ME (AND YOU!).

Lord, open my eyes

so that I may see.

Reveal to me your will.

Give me the strength and courage to take the necessary steps.

Remind me of your will.

And open my heart so that I may accept it as you would have it.

Amen.

BTW, i have the BEST friends anyone could ever ask for. <3 

following.

stress. stress. stress.

               this has definitely been a stressful end to a semester. probably my most stressful yet. and honestly, i'm not sure it's the course work that was the stressful part. i think it has been more of the "holy crap, i'm about to be a senior in college what happens next" kind of stress. i've been so worried about certain relationships in my life, what choice i should make about summer plans (i had a phone interview with the General Board of Global Ministries last week that I think went REALLY well-i should know something within the next two weeks.), what grad schools I needed to be looking in to, what to do in certain situations...i was so worried about the tomorrows of life that i had forgotten i still needed to live in today.

the first thing i was reminded of through this is that;

• God laughs at our plans. When I started trying to take control of things and make my own plans--that's when things really began to get difficult. (and i was only making it difficult on myself)

i had forgotten about God's plan for my life and tried to make my own. i had forgotten that God already has plans for me. do i still have a choice?--absolutely!! i have two choices. i can:

• Take things into my own hands, make my own plans and live my own life without caring about what God has planned for me.  (okay, so that sounds kinda harsh, but you get what i'm saying)

OR

• Listen to God's voice. Follow in His footsteps, in the path that He has laid out for me. This process too still involves making choices but it's more of a discerning process than a "i'll do what i want" process. 

And if there's one thing I know about either one of these choices it's that God will use me wherever I go.

i'm such a silly person to have thought that my plans were ever better than God's plans. and i'm not sure i necessarily thought that..but i definitely forgot who was truly in control of my life (or at least who needed to be). someone who truly knows and has my deepest desires and my needs at the center of His heart. 

i'm also silly to think that i could really plan what my life will be like a year from now. this time last year, i would have never thought i'd be where i am now. NEVER in a million years would i have imagined life could be this good. i truly serve an amazing God who never ceases surprise me, who continually amazes me and who finds new ways to reveal Himself to me.  

"The steps of a good man are ordered by the LORD,

    And He delights in his way.

Though he fall, he shall not be utterly cast down;

     For the LORD upholds him with His hand."

[Psalm 37: 23-24] 

my heart's top two.

So...God has definitely been throwing some things at me here lately. He's put some things on my heart and I couldn't be more excited about them. I have to be honest in saying that what He's put on my heart hasn't been answers to questions I've been asking. In fact, there are certain areas of my life that I am so unsure of. The only thing I know to do is to take it day by day, step by step; trusting God 100% of the time...and maybe that's the lesson I need to learn most now.  Anyways here are some of the things God has been laying on my heart:

• Planning a Girls Retreat-So, this has actually been something that has been on my heart for years now. But it wasn't until the past month that God really threw it at me. It first came to my attention through my heart (which is one of the main ways that God speaks to me). I mean it--literally my heart was hurting. When I have something on my heart and in my mind and I know it's truly God speaking to me, my heart does this funny thing until I do something about it. (Unfortunately, this isn't the only way God speaks to me--so no, not all of my "answers" or "solutions" or "callings" are this easy!) My heart was/is hurting because of the world we live in and the influences it has on our daily--especially as young women. And even more especially as teenagers. We are constantly being told we aren't pretty enough, skinny enough, etc. This truly breaks my heart because I believe that we are all created so wonderfully and beautifully by our amazing Creator. So, with this I've pretty much been running with the ides of what God has been laying on my heart. And I've already gotten a team of adult leaders to help me with it. God is Good! Plus we already have the retreat planned for the last weekend in September!!  We are calling it Weekend Escape. I am SO excited about this opportunity to minister to, share with and encourage these girls. I ask that you be in prayer with me about this weekend as we plan it and the weeks leading up to it.

• Campus Ministry- Okay, so I have to be honest. I'm really not even sure what ministry opportunities there are at UALR (so if you're a UALR student and you have an answer to this--please let me know). but this is definitely something I have wanted to be a part of since the beginning of my college career...and I have waited for something or someone to come to me, but maybe I'm the one who needs to do something about it. I know we have a Wesley Foundation. and the only reason I know that is a) the building is close to where I park and b) because I'm a Methodist, so I just know!. But I have no idea what they do or what is offered through the Foundation at UALR. I also see a BCM building, but I don't know anything about it either. So, another thing God has been putting on my heart is starting some type of college ministry. I'm not sure yet what this means..if it just means an accountability group, a Bible study (or both!) or if this is going to end up being something more. (I hate that it's taken me until my Senior year to finally do something about it). But I can't be the only one feeling this way. And maybe it's finding an organization that already exist on campus--but where are they?! This is something I am very passionate about (young adult ministry) but it's also something I'm not sure what to do with--AND I'M A YOUNG ADULT!. but we're typically a forgotten group in churches. There are campus organizations out there--to supposedly keep us in. I'm not seeing them at UALR...if they're there, I'd be willing to bet they aren't reaching most students...sometimes you have to go to the people you're trying to reach, instead of inviting them to come to you (especially when the invitation isn't reaching them). I ask that you pray for and with me on this. That God will guide and direct me in the direction He wants this to go. For strength and endurance. For courage and creativity. And for continued passion.

So, that's it for now. I'll be sharing the rest as God reveals more to me and I am more confident in what way I'm supposed to move. :)

”A man’s heart plans his way, but the Lord directs his steps.” (Proverbs 16:9)

letting go and giving God complete control.

letting go and letting God have control is one of the HARDEST things i've ever had to do (i like to have at least some control over what's going to happen in my life) but once it's done, and you REALLY give God the steering wheel--it's the most freeing and AMAZING thing ever.

"Then Jesus said to his disciples, 'Whoever wants to be my disciple must deny themselves and take up their cross and follow me'" (Matt 16:24)

Jesus wants to lead us in our lives. I think, among other things, Jesus is saying here it's not about what you want, what you have planned for yourself or what you desire. if you really want to follow me, then FOLLOW ME!. In every area of your life, FOLLOW ME. Until recently, I thought I could just give God parts of my life to lead. Okay God, you can have my career path, my attitude and I guess you can have my friendships. But you can't have my relationships (when it comes to the opposite sex), you can't have my day to day decisions and you definitely can't have my thought process. I get to control those things and you can have the rest. Yes, this is the way it was for me. (and yes, I thought I had given God all areas of my life..but I was quickly reminded that I wasn't being honest with myself or with others when saying so)

I've been reading a book called When God Writes Your Love Story. I'm only into the fourth chapter, but something really stood out to me last night while reading it. Eric and Leslie Ludy have written the book together and in the third chapter Eric talks about exactly what I just talked about--struggling to give God ALL of you and not just PARTS of you. When I read this last night it hit me that I wasn't doing that even though it was something I so badly wanted. I desired to let God have control over 100% but I also desired control over my life. And to be honest, the areas that God didn't have complete control over were/are the areas that were/are lacking. That aren't producing fruit. and that are failing.

Today, I prayed a prayer that God would take control of 100% of my life-my school work, my relationships (with friends AND with men), my finances, my attitude, etc. I want to live a life as a follower of Christ, not as someone who wants Christ to follow what I want. And I believe that's what God wants for us. If there's one thing I've learned in the past 6 months-year (and I've learned A LOT about what God desires for me over the past year) it's that God desires an intimate and personal relationship with us. God also wants what is best for us and truly has our best interest at heart when leading us in a certain direction. Even if we don't realize what He's doing at the time.

I was worried about not getting to do everything I wanted to do. I was worried I wasn't going to be able to choose. (I do have a choice...I could choose not to follow God and as a result probably live an unfulfilled and unhappy life). I believe the things that I desire (the truly good things) are things the Lord put on my heart to desire--so that I can use those things that I am passionate about to Praise and serve Him with. There really isn't any reason not to trust God with the desires that HE placed on  my heart....this includes the small decisions AND the big decisions. The decisions about which step to take next. The decisions that involve deciphering right from wrong. Even the decisions about the kind of person I want to date. (I used to think I could kinda say okay God, if you'll kinda show me which one is good for me I can take it from there but the truth is, what God wants for me is SO much better than what I want for myself. I don't want to trust myself in deciding who to marry. Especially when I know that God has someone special in mind for me. But this is a WHOLE OTHER subject and I'm getting off topic!) God wants to control the decisions about what to do with my passions--God has a plan for me. I just have to listen, be willing to trust Him and allow Him to guide me each step of the way.

"Trust in the Lord with ALL your heart and lean not on your own understanding" Proverbs 3:5

Today, in that same prayer I prayed that God would reveal to me what I needed to know when I needed to know it. Knowing that He's going to be there, guiding me along the way as long as I put my 100% total trust in Him. God's timing is perfect.

"'For I know the plans I have for you', declares the Lord. 'plans to prosper you, and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future'" Jeremiah 29:11

Lord, give me enough light to see the next step. And the courage to take it.