letting go and giving God complete control.

letting go and letting God have control is one of the HARDEST things i've ever had to do (i like to have at least some control over what's going to happen in my life) but once it's done, and you REALLY give God the steering wheel--it's the most freeing and AMAZING thing ever.

"Then Jesus said to his disciples, 'Whoever wants to be my disciple must deny themselves and take up their cross and follow me'" (Matt 16:24)

Jesus wants to lead us in our lives. I think, among other things, Jesus is saying here it's not about what you want, what you have planned for yourself or what you desire. if you really want to follow me, then FOLLOW ME!. In every area of your life, FOLLOW ME. Until recently, I thought I could just give God parts of my life to lead. Okay God, you can have my career path, my attitude and I guess you can have my friendships. But you can't have my relationships (when it comes to the opposite sex), you can't have my day to day decisions and you definitely can't have my thought process. I get to control those things and you can have the rest. Yes, this is the way it was for me. (and yes, I thought I had given God all areas of my life..but I was quickly reminded that I wasn't being honest with myself or with others when saying so)

I've been reading a book called When God Writes Your Love Story. I'm only into the fourth chapter, but something really stood out to me last night while reading it. Eric and Leslie Ludy have written the book together and in the third chapter Eric talks about exactly what I just talked about--struggling to give God ALL of you and not just PARTS of you. When I read this last night it hit me that I wasn't doing that even though it was something I so badly wanted. I desired to let God have control over 100% but I also desired control over my life. And to be honest, the areas that God didn't have complete control over were/are the areas that were/are lacking. That aren't producing fruit. and that are failing.

Today, I prayed a prayer that God would take control of 100% of my life-my school work, my relationships (with friends AND with men), my finances, my attitude, etc. I want to live a life as a follower of Christ, not as someone who wants Christ to follow what I want. And I believe that's what God wants for us. If there's one thing I've learned in the past 6 months-year (and I've learned A LOT about what God desires for me over the past year) it's that God desires an intimate and personal relationship with us. God also wants what is best for us and truly has our best interest at heart when leading us in a certain direction. Even if we don't realize what He's doing at the time.

I was worried about not getting to do everything I wanted to do. I was worried I wasn't going to be able to choose. (I do have a choice...I could choose not to follow God and as a result probably live an unfulfilled and unhappy life). I believe the things that I desire (the truly good things) are things the Lord put on my heart to desire--so that I can use those things that I am passionate about to Praise and serve Him with. There really isn't any reason not to trust God with the desires that HE placed on  my heart....this includes the small decisions AND the big decisions. The decisions about which step to take next. The decisions that involve deciphering right from wrong. Even the decisions about the kind of person I want to date. (I used to think I could kinda say okay God, if you'll kinda show me which one is good for me I can take it from there but the truth is, what God wants for me is SO much better than what I want for myself. I don't want to trust myself in deciding who to marry. Especially when I know that God has someone special in mind for me. But this is a WHOLE OTHER subject and I'm getting off topic!) God wants to control the decisions about what to do with my passions--God has a plan for me. I just have to listen, be willing to trust Him and allow Him to guide me each step of the way.

"Trust in the Lord with ALL your heart and lean not on your own understanding" Proverbs 3:5

Today, in that same prayer I prayed that God would reveal to me what I needed to know when I needed to know it. Knowing that He's going to be there, guiding me along the way as long as I put my 100% total trust in Him. God's timing is perfect.

"'For I know the plans I have for you', declares the Lord. 'plans to prosper you, and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future'" Jeremiah 29:11

Lord, give me enough light to see the next step. And the courage to take it.

heavy heart.

tonight, my heart is heavy.

Lord, may you direct my heart and lead me in the direction of Your will. Search deep inside me, change me. Use me. Inspire me. So that I may change others and show them the love that you have so freely given them.

On the heart #1.

Young Women. Youth, young adults. Young ladies between the ages of about 14 and 20something. Girls who are being thrown into a world full of sex, drugs, alcohol. Girls who are being told that they are beautiful enough by standards set by a sinful society. Girls who are seeing relationships fail and have no hope for true love so they settle for someone who isn't even half of what they deserve. Girls who are engaging in sex before they even know the consequences of their actions. Girls who are constantly being told they're not skinny enough. not pretty enough. no tall enough. not good enough. 

Girls who are loved unconditionally by a God who created them so uniquely and beautifully. Girls who are precious in the eyes of their creator. Girls who are worthy of love from a guy who respects them and cares for them; for someone who has a heart for God as much as they do. Girls who deserve to beat the statistics of society. Girls who are perfect just the way they are. Girls who are good enough and don't need to change anything about themselves to make someone else happy.

On the heart #2

Jacksonville community--Young adults in church. Maybe this is just my experience but the church is failing our generation. I am an active member and church goer at the church I am a member of. But I also have a call which keeps me involved at a level most young adults wouldn't dream of being involved in. But take that aside, forget that for a second. I am alone in a church full of young married couples and teenagers. But mostly our congregation is filled of people in their late 40's on up. There's nothing wrong with this. The problem however, is that we are losing members, and losing the interest of college students and those of and in that age group. I hear constant talk in my church about needing to get more young adults involved yet that's all that happens--TALK TALK TALK. Nothing is actually being done. And to be honest, I may have leadership roles in my church, but I'm not getting the spiritual discipline and education I need in order to "make disciples". (don't get me wrong, i learn A LOT just by leading..but it's different). I am Blessed to have built some wonderful relationships with people at my church, this including younger couples (but they're still in their 30's, out of college and have a baby now....it's way different). I am able to talk through things, be challenged, etc with these friends of mine. 

this brings me to

On the heart #3

ualr community--Maybe there are programs on campus but I don't know about any of them. Well, that's a lie. I know we have a Wesley foundation and I believe a BCM? But I have NO idea what it takes or how to get involved. Maybe this shows a lack of motivation on my part...I'm really passionate about this...but at the same time I believe the church has once again failed us. Where are these organizations at around campus telling students about themselves? Inviting students to get involved? I know I'm not the MOST active student but I can also say that I am a LOT more active than other students on campus. And I don't see it. If the only groups that are forming are those among friends (which is fine, don't get me wrong) but if they are being kept to themselves with no means of outreaching to other students, possibly some students who don't know Christ or have a relationships with him. Possibly students that need Him the most--then why are these organizations, official or unofficial, even in existence at all? If we aren't making disciples of Christ (Matthew 28:19) then why bother at all? (please don't take this as me saying that we don't need our support groups, because WE DO...but if all we are doing is supporting each other and keeping God's love to ourselves..we aren't doing what we've been asked to do.)

I can't be the ONLY student on the UALR campus to feel this way. And maybe it's going to take some of us stepping up and calling organizations out. Or maybe it's us starting our own student led campus ministry organization. I'm not sue what the answer is yet, but I do know that I am tired of complaining about it. Tired of talking about it. And tired of yearning for something and doing absolutely nothing about it.

It's time to be the change and stop expecting others to be the change for us. If not now for us..then for future generations who are like us yearning for what we are currently yearning for.

GPL,

Corey

my prayer tonight.

Lord,

 You know the troubles of my heart.

  Show me the way to live.

  Teach me all I need to know.

  So that I can follow you.

Lord,

  Protect me in this dying world.

  Let me be a light that shines Your name.

  So that I may show Your love.

  Guide me as I take this path.

Lord,

  You know my every thought.

Lord,

  You know my every need.

 Provide for me only those things.

Lord,

  You're perfect in all You do.

  Reveal your plans for me in this life

  Help me follow what You'll have me do.

  So that I may serve you.

Lord,

  Sometimes I just don't understand.

Lord, 

  Forgive me when I've gone astray.

 May your will be done, in me.

So, I just wrote this. It's a song. That will maybe one day have music that goes along with it (along with about 100 other verses I've written). It's different to read it than when it's sung the way it's intended because the rhythm changes in it a little bit throughout the verses. Anyways just thought I'd share it with you all.


Lord, may your will be done in me. Not my will. Your plan and not my own. On your schedule--your perfect timing. Not mine. Lord, protect me. Guide me. Help me show love to others even when they do not show that love to me. Forgive me and remind me to show compassion and forgiveness to those who have wronged against me. Your plans and your timing are perfect, Lord. Help me find patience and discernment. Thank you for loving me and for continually reminding me of that love. You are SO good. Amen.


Grace, Peace & Love
Corey

God first.

"Do not store up for yourselves treasures on earth, where moth 

and rust consume and where thieves break in and steal; but store up 

for yourselves treasures in heaven, where neither moth nor rust 

consumes and where thieves do not break in and steal. For where 

your treasure is, there your heart will be also." Matt 6:19-21  

this world is constantly telling us who we need to be. what clothes we need to wear. what body type/shape we should have. who we should be friends with. that something's wrong with you if you don't have a boyfriend/girlfriend. the way we should wear our hair. the types of materialistic things we should own. where we spend our free time. the types of media we should own/watch. etc. this world is VERY demanding.


"Do not conform any longer to the pattern of this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind. Then you will be able to test and approve what God’s will is—his good, pleasing and perfect will." Romans 12:2


God has so much more to offer us-more than these temporary, unnecessary things the world has to offer.


We're all familiar with John 3:16, "For God so LOVED the world that he gave his only Son."


God requires that we put Him first in our lives. (but he does give us the free will whether or not to actually do this...) God wants us to desire Him and to love Him more than we love anything else in this world.

"Love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your mind.’This is the first and greatest commandment."

God desires to be first in our lives.  I am 100% confident that when we put God first in our lives, everything else will be provided for. I'm not worried about God providing, but I am worried about me putting God first. I think it's easy to say that we put God first in our lives...

but what does that really mean?

It means giving God absolute control over our lives; allowing His plan to be revealed to us and putting our faith and trust in Him.

It means putting God before our significant other, before our jobs, before our family, before our friends, before our possessions, before EVERYTHING. It means putting God before our fears, failures, successes, etc. Do we REALLY do this. Does God come before money or success for you? Do you listen when he answers you (even when it isn't the answer you were looking for)?    "Do you trust God that when He says no or "not in that way" to you, you still believe that He is good and doing what is best?" (Francis Chan, Forgotten God)

I think this is a challenging thing to do. But it isn't impossible.

God is bigger than all of my fears and insecurities.

God is far greater than any other man could ever be in my life.

God loves me for who I am, every single part of me, just as I am.

My God LOVES me unconditionally,  whole heartedly and would do ANYTHING for me--even die on a cross!

 (That's it for now--i'm really tired but this was on my heart so i felt the need to share it. hope it makes sense!, LOL)

<3 

miracles come in many different forms.

WOW. So it's really been a year--a full 365 days since my weight loss journey began! It actually began a little before that, but April 2nd marks the one year anniversary since my gastric bypass surgery.

Let me pause there for a second and say that I REALLY struggled as to whether or not to put out there my "secret"..but if I can impact someone else to make a decision that could potentially save their life, and yes I believe this process saved my life-in more than just one way, then it's something that needs to be shared. What I had done isn't for everybody. And let me tell you--IT HAS NOT BEEN EASY..yes it certainly helped and guided the weight loss, but this has been a hard year for me-physically, emotionally and spiritually. But I'm happy to report that my life has been changed because of this and that I have a lot more of a positive attitude and outlook on life. My eating habits have changed, my activity and energy level has increased and I am generally happy. 

The procedure was done laprascopically.
5 incisions 

I believe this is about the 20th time I had been stuck by the IV needle-for those of you who have never had an IV put in-count your blessings. Count your blessings even more if you've never had one taken out-it's worse. Anyways the IV started out in my left had...this is a photo of my right hand. LOL

So..before I reveal the photos (I really hope you all are taking time to read this instead of just looking through the photos, because I feel what I have to say is fairly important)... This past year was definitely a year of change and transformation for me. The most obvious change is, of course, my physical body. Yes, I've shed quite a bit of pounds, and inches upon inches literally disappeared. But my emotional, mental and spiritual being changed as well. And I know they went hand in hand with one another. As the weight came off, I began to see myself for who I really was. I now look at myself and see a beautiful child of God-this wasn't anything close to how I felt about myself even a year ago. God used my time of physical transformation to transform my spirit and my mind.  

I was talking to one of my best friends on Facebook today and was updating him on all of this.  He's always been one of my biggest supporters, cheering me on and I cannot thank God enough for him. (Hope you know who you are!) LOVE YOU!

Anyways, I found it hard to love myself-I wasn't happy internally, and it showed physically-I literally ate my emotions. For any of you that have ever dealt with this, you sort of know what I'm talking about. Food had become a comforter for me...but even more than that, it had become a sin, a barrier in my life; I was letting it keep me from a full relationship with God. Through this process I have been able to at least begin to love myself (unfortunately emotional and psychological healing takes longer than physical weight loss, in my case)..but there's no need to worry! I'm happy and healthy. Before all of this change happened, I found it really hard to love myself; afterall, I had pretty much been told my whole life by unnamed individuals that I wasn't worthy of being loved and that I was some of the worst things possible--so after being told things for so long, I began to internalize them and to believe them (yes, I now know those things to not be true). As I was looking at myself in the mirror one day, within the past few months, I was looking through pictures of myself over a year ago. And I couldn't help but be ashamed and embarrassed that I had let my life get out of control that much. And I wondered how anyone could love me then. And here I was struggling, still struggling with loving myself. It's amazing when God speaks to you. And this was one of those moments where I could just hear a soft voice inside of me say: "Corey, I've always loved you. Before you were born, when you doubted me, when you suffered for me, when you were at your heaviest, and Corey-I still love you now. I'm always going to love you. NOTHING could ever change that." You guys, that's the BEST part of it all! I may not have been able to love myself, which in turn I pushed people away or settled for relationships because I didn't think I was good enough for something better....God never stopped loving me.  

So here's where I stand as of April 2, 2011:

I have lost a total of about 135 lbs!

I have lost just over 60 inches all over.

SO...here are the "before and after" photos you've all been waiting for! :))) Thank you all for your support, encouragement and for your prayers throughout all of this. I am truly Blessed to be loved by so many amazing, amazing people. God is so good, y'all

Before surgery...nervous.

In the hospital. Ready for a shower.
First "meal" in three days,
 if you can call ice chips a meal!

OKAY, HERE YOU GO!!!!!!! :)

     

I still cannot believe it's been a year. I seriously do not recognize the girl in the "April 5, 2010" photos. I definitely had a distorted body image because I NEVER saw myself as being that big....

This has been an amazing journey so far--AND I'M NOT FINISHED! I cannot wait to continue on this journey and to see how God will use me in the days to come!

Grace, Peace, & Love

Core <3 

refreshing.

 Jesus answered, “Everyone who drinks this water will be thirsty again, but whoever drinks the water I give them will never thirst. Indeed, the water I give them will become in them a spring of water welling up to eternal life.”

John 4: 13-14

“Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest." Matthew 11:28