I have never considered myself to be the most self-confident person in the world; however, prior to beginning Divinity School, I think I had a better sense of myself than I currently do, or at least than I have over the past year and a half.
Divinity School has been no joke. Duke has been no joke. Not that I was expecting it to be, but let's just say that Duke Divinity has changed me in more ways than one. Most of them I would consider to be good changes. I have learned so much about Christian history, tradition, doctrine, etc. The level of knowledge I have gained is, and will be, very important in my life as a pastor in the United Methodist Church. I have found a new appreciate for scripture, for church tradition, and for Christian history. As any other seminary student, I love to talk theology and truly do get all nerdy about it. It's pretty cute. :D. It's definitely fair to say that I LOVE DUKE DIVINITY SCHOOL! I LOVE SEMINARY! I am falling more and more in love with God every day and I am learning to appreciate the history & tradition of the church more and more on a daily basis.
However, for me it hasn't all consisted of heart-warming experiences. The last year and a half of my life have no doubt been the hardest. They've been challenging personally, academically, spiritually, emotionally, physically, etc. In every way possible, this has been a hard journey. I wasn't expecting it to be easy, and I will say that despite the difficulties, it has been a very rewarding journey thus far. But in the midst of all the reading, in all the worship, and in all the experiences I have become lost. Completely lost.
The self-confidence I had spent the previous few years leading up to Div School suddenly disappeared; I stopped doing the things I enjoyed doing because other things took priority in my life; in an effort to find my pastoral identity, I became so consumed in the insecurities that come along with being a female pastor that I forgot the most important thing--that God has called me to this life, I have responded, and that God is always with me; I found that, in general, the insecurities and lack of self-confidence in what I was doing slowly crept in and I have allowed it to consume my thoughts and my actions; I found it difficult to express my beliefs, even my questions, because of the pressure to have a "right" answer--and the truth is, friends, that I'm not so sure there is a single "right" answer about any of the petty things we argue over; I have just genuinely felt lost. The struggle has been ever so real.
I have been so blessed to have so many people who truly care about me. I am surrounded by a community of people within the Divinity School, at home, and in other places, who care about me and who have realized that I haven't quite been myself lately. I think that in the midst of all the pressure to be the perfect student, the perfect pastor, and the perfect friend I just lost any sense of myself. I laugh at this because there is no such thing as perfect, and while I've NEVER considered myself to be a perfectionist, I definitely put a lot of pressure on myself, especially as it concerns my relationships with people I care about. I am truly grateful for the people in my life who have prayed with and for me, who have encouraged me, and who have called me out in my ridiculousness.
Since my return to the United States from spending the summer in Uganda, I have really been feeling this sense of loss. Am I really on the right track? Is God really calling me into ordained ministry? What the heck am I doing at Duke Divinity? Who is Corey Tyson? What are the things I enjoy doing? What are my areas of strength? My areas of weaknesses? Who do I truly worship on a daily basis? God, what the heck are you thinking? Those of you who know me know that I will go on and on with the questions...it's what I do. (And as I stated in my previous blog, I like questions and the journey they lead us on).
For some reason, I tend to think there is some ideal/perfect mold of what a pastor should and should not be. Silly, right?! I keep thinking to myself, "how can I become that kind of pastor..." But the truth is, I don't think God is calling me to be "that kind of pastor." We've all asked God the question, "why me?" (If you haven't...well, I think you might be crazy). Seriously, why have you called me God?! I enjoy hiking, music, writing, Duke basketball, Razorback football, etc. I see the world through more than one set of lenses (or at least I try). I don't see things as black and white and I am able to envision the big picture. I have a love for preaching (thank you Mark McDonald, I still hate the fact that you were right! :D). I have a love and passion for youth/young adults and for missions. I find comfort and peace among friends. But let's just be honest...I am a huge quirky goofball who has a funny sense of humor and I go against a lot of the odds. I think for a while I felt I had to change all of that about me to fit this mold of pastor I had dreamed up. (I'm sure God is laughing at me for this..."silly Corey Tyson...). Don't you know that I have called you, just as you are? Don't you know that you possess gifts and graces that I intend to use?...Don't you know that you are mine and I love you just as you are? Seems simple doesn't it? ...Simple to forget. And boy do I, on a daily basis. I forget my identity as a child of God, and I forget that God has called me out of the miry pit just as I am, quirkiness and all. I've learned that I have to be true to myself and my identity; my pastoral identity will grow out of that, not the other way around. We are each individually unique and I think God rejoices in the diversity of the world and of those God calls into ministry (God calls ALL of us, btw...differently and uniquely to use the gifts we have been graced with for the glorification of God).
I have recently really begun to reflect on who I am, as a 24 year old and as a future pastor. And I've realized that the two don't have to be different from one another. As a pastor, I can enjoy the things that a 24 year old Corey would enjoy without the future vocation of a pastor. I'm excited (and hopeful) in saying that I am on the path toward finding myself again. As I spend time remembering who I am, whose I am, and the things that bring me joy, my hope is that you remember those things. That you remember and recognize your identity is through Christ and not through the world; that you search and find the things that bring you joy, and that you never let them go. That you embrace who you are because that is exactly who God is calling--as quirky and awesomely weird as that may be. Embrace it. Own it. Have confidence in it. May God's peace surround you in all that you do.
Blessings & all my love,
Corey
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