We all know there is A LOT of blogging, information, etc. out there about weight, body image, dieting, and all that jazz. It floods our Instagram, Facebook, and twitter accounts; we see ads along the interstates and in our social media feed. We are constantly bombarded about our weight and dress/pant size everywhere we go--it is quite literally an inescapable hot topic. We are an obsessed society. Obsessed about perfecting the body and doing everything we can to preserve its youthfulness.
I want to first say that there is a clear and distinct difference in what our culture defines as "beautiful" and what healthy really is. They aren't always at odds with one another, but I do think that when we focus too much on outer beauty, trying everything we can to gain what is an unrealistic version of beauty tends to be unhealthy. I do not want to take away from women who have worked hard to achieve the type of body that they have, but I also want to recognize that women (and men) come in many different body shapes and sizes, and that ALL are uniquely beautiful.
Beauty does not come from a number on a scale nor does it come from the tags inside our clothing. Beauty comes from a person who is comfortable and confident with the very body they have. We are not all born a size 4. Some of us naturally have wider hips, broader shoulders, and "thicker bones." Bottom line: beauty doesn't have a particular shape or size.
I have spent the last four years working on becoming a more "beautiful" person--inside and out. I have worked to become a more whole, happy, and healthy person. I will be the first to admit that I haven't always reflected the beautiful human being that I was created to be. (I also want to add that my definition of beautiful has plenty of room for messiness and recognizes our sinfulness and depravity as human beings. Beauty is not just skin deep, but is very much a theological principal for me. I won't go into too much depth about that, but keep it in mind as you continue reading).
Let me catch you up to speed, for those of you who have not known me throughout this process. (Sorry if it's a repeat for those of you who have heard this story many times). Just over four years ago I was significantly overweight, tragically unhappy, and undeniably unhealthy. I made a decision to change that. I knew I had to change all of me--mind, body, soul. And so I did. With the help of gastric bypass surgery, I began a complete lifestyle change. As I watched the scale go down and inches disappear from my body, I began to see myself differently. The walls that I had spent years building up, protecting myself, were literally coming down. In total I've lost over 160lbs. But my physical appearance wasn't the only thing that had experienced a transformation during this time, and I knew it couldn't have been the only part of me to change. There was so much inside of me that had to transform alongside my body.
This takes work. Hard work. Continued work. It is a constant struggle. The greatest gift I received, and continued to receive, as a result of all of this is the awareness of God's grace/love in my life. Again this is a constant struggle and, unfortunately, I take advantage of this gift way more than I would like to admit. But the simple, amazing, awesome truth is that God has loved me long before I ever took a breath or had a say in the matter. God loved me before I loved myself, before I loved God. God loved me through my messy years. God loved me when I was seriously overweight; God loved me when I was changing, and God continues to love me now. Cool, huh?! Even when I was experiencing the biggest changes of my life, God's love remained constant. When I lose sight of the fact that God's love has always been offered to me, it isn't long before I am put in my place and reminded that God has never forsaken me.
Thanks be to God for that!
September 12, 2014
I have been thinking a lot about what to post, because there is so much more to this story than I could ever begin to say. This journey has been a total transformation in many aspects of my life. As I mentioned before, it wasn't just a physical transformation, despite the fact that that's what most could see. An inner, spiritual (an absolutely BEAUTIFUL) transformation occurred within me. The best part? God continues to transform me on a daily basis. The even better part about all of this??? IT IS NOT ABOUT ME!!!! Sure, this is a journey that I have traveled on, but God has totally used this for God's glory, and for that I am sooooo thankful! I have been so amazed at the way God has used this experience to be part of my ministry, in various ways. However, I cannot take credit for anything other than being imperfectly obedient (emphasis on imperfect). I can now see that this total transformation was necessary for my future as a pastor. That is not to say that if I hadn't lost all of the weight I did that I would not be as effective as a pastor. But I can tell you that I would not have been as confident as I am now. As I have grown more comfortable with my body, I have become more comfortable with my call; as I have grown more comfortable with my call, I have become more comfortable with my body--my whole self, whom God has called. I am a more holistic, embodied individual than I was before.
For a long time my mind, body, and spirit were in dissonance with one another. Within the last year I have seen and felt them grow to be in unison with one another. It's like an orchestra playing and somewhere the percussionists are off-beat, while the piano isn't quite in tune, and the rest of the orchestra is fighting to stay together and to be in tune with one another. After much time of practice, of training, and of being guided by their director, the sweet sound of a symphony orchestra comes together; together in unison--upbeat and downbeat, crescendo and decrescendo, harmony and melody. I'm not sure that's the best way to describe it, but it was the first example that came to mind.
I just can't get over how much God has used this time for the work of the kingdom of God!!! It's been a blessing to share this journey with many of you, to call you friends, and to share life with you! So, THANK YOU for supporting me, for all of your encouraging words, for loving me, and for sharing Christ's love with me.
I am continually surprised by God (as if I ever think I've got God figured out at all). To God be all the glory! Amen.
(And now, for some photos!!!) Edited September 23, 2014
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