Life has been crazy, as usual. But it got especially crazy for a while.
Here's my first (explicit) confession about my recent seminary experience.
I'll admit it. I struggle with depression and anxiety. This may come as a surprise to some and not to others. I'm usually the one that keeps it together (on the outside at least) and that spends her time serving others, most if not 100% of the time. But I think that became the problem. It is not doubt that one of my spiritual gifts is gift-giving and service. However, in the midst of looking after others, I forgot to look after myself. Self-care is probably one of the most important skills one can learn in order to survive and thrive in ministry. I'm learning this in seminary, and am so thankful that I am BEFORE getting into super full-time ministry (there is no such thing as part-time ministry). I cannot stress how important it is to take care of yourself so that you can take care of others. A person can only give so much of themselves without first ensuring they are in a healthy state of mind, spirit, and body.
Here's what happened. I got back from Africa in August and never really processed through everything that I experienced. I guess it just takes time, and time that I have yet to have. I threw myself back into DDS by assisting with orientation, planning extra events, being on DSC, normal class schedule and workload, field education (internship), and there have been SEVERAL situations this year that have warranted my full attention. That's right--drop everything you're doing because a friend is in desperate need--kind of full attention. I am so thankful I was able to be there for a few of my dearest friends in some of there darkest times this semester; however, because I wasn't taking care of myself, I wasn't able to fully give them the attention and care they deserved.
GREAT! So the one perception I was trying to avoid is the reality I was living into--selfishness. Right? No. Wrong. First of all--it is in no way at all selfish to take care of yourself first. Before you are able to take care of others, you must first ensure that you are in a safe, healthy, and secure place in your life. Guess what?! As pastors, we cannot place our stuff onto other people's stuff. It just can't happen. We are going to be asked to literally carry some heavy stuff that belong to other people; however, we cannot expect or even accidentally allow ourselves to unload our crap on them. It isn't fair. Second, there's nothing wrong with focusing a lot of attention on other people--it's a thing called servanthood. We are all called to be servants in the world. ALL of us. Servanthood sometimes means making sacrifices, on both ends.
One of my focuses next semester is going to be self-care. Otherwise, I'm going to self-destruct before ending in seminary. What this means is that I have to be overly honest with some people--more honest than I'm comfortable being. It means that I'm going to have to be more honest with myself than I am comfortable being. It means taking steps to intentionally go on hikes, picking up my writing, grabbing my violin and guitar every once in a while and fiddling around (see what i did there?!). It means engaging in uncomfortable conversations and maybe even uncomfortable situations. But most importantly, it means that I am taking care of myself and treating myself as God intended for me to be treated--with love and respect.
Here's to hoping for renewal, rest, and better self-care.
Merry Christmas, folks!
All my love,
Corey
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