exciting fears. thoughts. and blessings.

(started 10/7/13)

 And so, this blog post starts off as many others have with the words: "I've been doing some thinking lately..." But it's true, I have been doing some thinking...A LOT of thinking. My brain seems to always be racing about some idea or issue or plan; being in an academic environment nearly 24/7 only escalates this fun maze in my mind.

I've been thinking a lot about my future; mostly as a pastor. You see, when I graduate from Duke Divinity in just a mere 19 months I will head back to Arkansas where I will begin serving churches under an itinerancy. Exciting, huh?! I think so!
      Friends, I have MANY, MANY fears about this exciting little fact. Is anyone ever truly ready or prepared to take on all of the responsibilities it takes to be a pastor... I've had a lot of people say to me, "you have the heart of a pastor." What does that even mean? Is it just simply stating that I have a compassionate and loving heart? Is it saying I have a heart that reflects God's love for me in my deeds and actions towards others? Is it saying that I have a heart that yearns to grow in my love and knowledge of God and a desire to share it with others? Is it saying that they see a willingness in me to be woken up at 2 or 3 am because death is knocking at someone's door? Is it saying that I am willing to go through the proper education, training, and boards to ensure that the theology I will be teaching and preaching lines up with that of the United Methodist Church? Is it saying that I love to love? That I have natural leadership ability? What all does this statement include? Being a pastor is so much more than having a good heart. It takes proper training, proper state of mind, rightness of heart, and more than anything a love of God while realizing the truth that is revealed of the love of God in the person of Jesus Christ through the Holy Spirit. And it's so much more than any of the questions or statements that I have mentioned above. It means that we are walking alongside our congregations, making mistakes with them and learning to love God and love each other more fully every single day. It means being willing to let the Holy Spirit work through me, despite my own weaknesses and insecurities. Thanks be to God for that.


(edited/added 10/20/13)

I've found that seminary has completely changed me and the way that I view the world. Not that I would have ever considered myself a close-minded person, but I feel that the way I look at myself, my relationship to God, and my relationship to other people have all changed in the last year of my life. I view the church in a different light than I used to and I view our responsibility as Christians in a better light.

After coming home from worship today, I spent some time reflecting on the service and my role in it. I've first realized that there is no such thing as a perfect service; something is bound to go wrong at some point, no matter how big or small this may be it will happen. And that's okay. But I've noticed when I mess something up I give myself a really hard time over it. I've never considered myself to be a perfectionist by any means, but I think I put a lot of pressure on myself; when I mess up or don't meet the expectations I place on myself I am sure to give myself a hard time, including self-negative talks. Despite the fact that I have so many people around me supporting me through my journey, I continue to tell myself that I'm not good enough. Despite the overflowing of God's grace, I am constantly telling myself that I'm never going to be good enough. Despite the realization that it isn't about me, I continue to live in fear of judgment from myself, from others, and ultimately I'm always afraid I'm a disappointment to the Lord. While I know how untrue and unrealistic these thoughts are, it doesn't change the fact that I battle them on a daily basis.
      Some days I wake up with all the confidence in the world and somedays I don't want to get out of bed. It's a constant battle; thankfully I am reminded, at the right moments, of Grace that is bigger than anything I could ever begin to imagine. And while this battle doesn't disappear or vanish with the snap of my fingers or the blink of an eye, I am thankful and confident that I am never walking it alone. I am thankful for the support I have and for the people who surround me with love. Most of all, I am thankful for God's redeeming love and for the endless amount of opportunity to turn to God; for being able to choose life and joy over pain and misery. Thanks be to God.