[unedited].
Well...the second week of classes are almost over...I'm not sure how I feel. There is so much information being poured out to us, that it is difficult to consume it all, maybe even impossible. I'm getting used to my professors and their styles of teaching, etc.
...Trying to get used to everything. I have met so many great people here at Duke Divinity, and I can tell that there are going to be some life-long relationships built over the next three years. This process has thus far been overwhelming, exciting, scary, etc. I suspect the next three years will be filled with these same feelings...
There have been many times when I've wanted to climb in my car, get to 40 west, and never look back. I'd also like to say that for every one time I have felt like that, there have been about 20 reasons not to do it. The ways in which God has moved in my life since being in Durham has been amazing..yes I'm continually amazed at the amazing grace and love of God. I find that when I need something, I mean really need something, that God has always fulfilled that need for me. He has never left me alone and has never failed me. Even when I didn't realize it at the time, God has never failed me, despite the countless number of times I have failed him. God's grace is so much bigger than my failure.
I have, many times, doubted the reason I am at DDS. "Seriously God, what the hell am I doing here?" A question I have asked myself several times a day; and a question that I have found answered in a multitude of ways. Not that God has audibly said "well dummy, because I have called you here..." but that through Scripture, through professors, through prayer, through words of friends, and yes even through a butterfly (several times actually) he has answered me. (I know what you're all thinking--what was God thinking, choosing her?--don't worry, I am sharing with you know that I wonder the same thing!). I feel as if I am inadequate to the "Duke standard"--whatever that may be. I feel as if I am inadequate to perform the academic functions that are necessary. I feel as if I am inadequate to perform the spiritual disciplines well enough. I feel as if I am inadequate in every aspect of my being.
Last weekend (Labor Day weekend), I had the awesome opportunity of being able to have my parents come in from Arkansas and travel to Greenville, NC to visit my dad's side of the family. What a blessing. Seriously, I never realized how awesome family could be. Went to my first "family reunion" which was interestingly awkward, to say the least. Let's just say I was introduced to everyone as a Duke Divinity student who is "carrying on a family tradition that [I] wasn't fully aware of." Which is true, I had no idea there were ANY pastors in my family...who would have thought that some of them would be United Methodists and graduated from Duke Divinity? Weird. :) Anyways, being with them this weekend definitely helped in making North Carolina feel like home for a little bit. Who knows, maybe this Tyson girl will "come back" home. haha we'll see.
This week, during my Spiritual Formation Group meeting time, we practiced Lectio Divina (you read, meditate, pray and contemplate Scripture). This week our Scripture was Psalm 23 (one of my favs!) I had never done lectio divina before (I will now!!!)..As we were praying through the Psalm, the words "I shall not want"really spoke to me. Really? of all the really cool and poetic statements in this Psalm, what I needed to hear was "I shall not want?"..but as I began to meditate on this, I realized that it really was what I needed to hear. It's not about what I want, ultimately it is about God's will for my life and whether or not I am willing to trust and obey or if I'm going to fight it with my constant excuses, doubts, fears and insecurities. It doesn't matter how badly I want to hop in my car and drive to 40 west home, never looking back...God's need, the church's, the world's needs are so much greater than any of my wants. "I shall not want" because God is taking care of my needs.
Anyways, back to my studying I go. I do apologize for the randomness of this, but this is what ya get!! :D
As always, thanks for the prayers, love and encouragement you all have given me. <3
All my love,
Corey
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