jumbled mess. faith. love. prayer. and the future.

Things I need to work on:

• not stressing out so easily
• following God's guidance with more faith and less doubting
• allow my Faith to overcome my fears, not the other way around
• stop trying to control everything

The Lord is my rock, my fortress and my deliverer;
my God is my rock, in whom I take refuge,
my shield and the horn of my salvation,
my stronghold.
 In my distress I called to the LORD;
   I cried to my God for help.
From his temple he heard my voice;
   my cry came before him, into his ears.
[Psalm 18: 2, 6]

I truly believe that God has my best interest at heart and the He desires to bless me by giving me nothing but the best.

"Faith does not eliminate questions. But faith knows where to take them" 

"Faith means being sure of the things we hope for. And faith means knowing that something is real even if we do not see it....And without faith it is impossible to please Him.." (Hebrews 11:1, 6a)

My hope (and yours too) must be in the God who knows your past, present and future, and loves me (and you) enough to give us the best.

My heart is heavy as I write this blog and I must say I'm not sure where to begin. Between feeling pulled in many different directions and unsure of what God wants for my future. Knowing that someone I care about deeply is hiding things from the people who love them most--and there's nothing I can do about it. Except pray for this person...maybe that's enough. I feel led to do things, ministry related, but can't help but feel limited due to age, lack of knowledge, etc...but I have come to trust that when the timing is write God will reveal to me what I need to do next and how far I need to go with it. I struggle with trusting God 100% fully--and no, although I hate to admit it, I'm not afraid to admit that this is an area I struggle with DAILY. I've found my passions have only grown and gotten stronger over the past three years. And I've been struggling with feeling stuck until I finish school, and struggling with what direction to go with them.

My heart breaks knowing all of the temptations and peer pressures that teenagers (and even younger now) are facing. My heart breaks even more knowing which direction most of them seem to be choosing to go. And my heart breaks even more feeling like they truly don't know how much their God LOVES them.

I only hope that I can give a glimpse of the love that God has for us to others.

Sometimes I wonder how I could ever question God's intentions for me, especially when there are countless reasons to be reminded of how much He loves ME (AND YOU!).

Lord, open my eyes

so that I may see.

Reveal to me your will.

Give me the strength and courage to take the necessary steps.

Remind me of your will.

And open my heart so that I may accept it as you would have it.

Amen.

BTW, i have the BEST friends anyone could ever ask for. <3 

following.

stress. stress. stress.

               this has definitely been a stressful end to a semester. probably my most stressful yet. and honestly, i'm not sure it's the course work that was the stressful part. i think it has been more of the "holy crap, i'm about to be a senior in college what happens next" kind of stress. i've been so worried about certain relationships in my life, what choice i should make about summer plans (i had a phone interview with the General Board of Global Ministries last week that I think went REALLY well-i should know something within the next two weeks.), what grad schools I needed to be looking in to, what to do in certain situations...i was so worried about the tomorrows of life that i had forgotten i still needed to live in today.

the first thing i was reminded of through this is that;

• God laughs at our plans. When I started trying to take control of things and make my own plans--that's when things really began to get difficult. (and i was only making it difficult on myself)

i had forgotten about God's plan for my life and tried to make my own. i had forgotten that God already has plans for me. do i still have a choice?--absolutely!! i have two choices. i can:

• Take things into my own hands, make my own plans and live my own life without caring about what God has planned for me.  (okay, so that sounds kinda harsh, but you get what i'm saying)

OR

• Listen to God's voice. Follow in His footsteps, in the path that He has laid out for me. This process too still involves making choices but it's more of a discerning process than a "i'll do what i want" process. 

And if there's one thing I know about either one of these choices it's that God will use me wherever I go.

i'm such a silly person to have thought that my plans were ever better than God's plans. and i'm not sure i necessarily thought that..but i definitely forgot who was truly in control of my life (or at least who needed to be). someone who truly knows and has my deepest desires and my needs at the center of His heart. 

i'm also silly to think that i could really plan what my life will be like a year from now. this time last year, i would have never thought i'd be where i am now. NEVER in a million years would i have imagined life could be this good. i truly serve an amazing God who never ceases surprise me, who continually amazes me and who finds new ways to reveal Himself to me.  

"The steps of a good man are ordered by the LORD,

    And He delights in his way.

Though he fall, he shall not be utterly cast down;

     For the LORD upholds him with His hand."

[Psalm 37: 23-24] 

my heart's top two.

So...God has definitely been throwing some things at me here lately. He's put some things on my heart and I couldn't be more excited about them. I have to be honest in saying that what He's put on my heart hasn't been answers to questions I've been asking. In fact, there are certain areas of my life that I am so unsure of. The only thing I know to do is to take it day by day, step by step; trusting God 100% of the time...and maybe that's the lesson I need to learn most now.  Anyways here are some of the things God has been laying on my heart:

• Planning a Girls Retreat-So, this has actually been something that has been on my heart for years now. But it wasn't until the past month that God really threw it at me. It first came to my attention through my heart (which is one of the main ways that God speaks to me). I mean it--literally my heart was hurting. When I have something on my heart and in my mind and I know it's truly God speaking to me, my heart does this funny thing until I do something about it. (Unfortunately, this isn't the only way God speaks to me--so no, not all of my "answers" or "solutions" or "callings" are this easy!) My heart was/is hurting because of the world we live in and the influences it has on our daily--especially as young women. And even more especially as teenagers. We are constantly being told we aren't pretty enough, skinny enough, etc. This truly breaks my heart because I believe that we are all created so wonderfully and beautifully by our amazing Creator. So, with this I've pretty much been running with the ides of what God has been laying on my heart. And I've already gotten a team of adult leaders to help me with it. God is Good! Plus we already have the retreat planned for the last weekend in September!!  We are calling it Weekend Escape. I am SO excited about this opportunity to minister to, share with and encourage these girls. I ask that you be in prayer with me about this weekend as we plan it and the weeks leading up to it.

• Campus Ministry- Okay, so I have to be honest. I'm really not even sure what ministry opportunities there are at UALR (so if you're a UALR student and you have an answer to this--please let me know). but this is definitely something I have wanted to be a part of since the beginning of my college career...and I have waited for something or someone to come to me, but maybe I'm the one who needs to do something about it. I know we have a Wesley Foundation. and the only reason I know that is a) the building is close to where I park and b) because I'm a Methodist, so I just know!. But I have no idea what they do or what is offered through the Foundation at UALR. I also see a BCM building, but I don't know anything about it either. So, another thing God has been putting on my heart is starting some type of college ministry. I'm not sure yet what this means..if it just means an accountability group, a Bible study (or both!) or if this is going to end up being something more. (I hate that it's taken me until my Senior year to finally do something about it). But I can't be the only one feeling this way. And maybe it's finding an organization that already exist on campus--but where are they?! This is something I am very passionate about (young adult ministry) but it's also something I'm not sure what to do with--AND I'M A YOUNG ADULT!. but we're typically a forgotten group in churches. There are campus organizations out there--to supposedly keep us in. I'm not seeing them at UALR...if they're there, I'd be willing to bet they aren't reaching most students...sometimes you have to go to the people you're trying to reach, instead of inviting them to come to you (especially when the invitation isn't reaching them). I ask that you pray for and with me on this. That God will guide and direct me in the direction He wants this to go. For strength and endurance. For courage and creativity. And for continued passion.

So, that's it for now. I'll be sharing the rest as God reveals more to me and I am more confident in what way I'm supposed to move. :)

”A man’s heart plans his way, but the Lord directs his steps.” (Proverbs 16:9)